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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.