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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
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Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.