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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.