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How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.