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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?