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I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch