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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.