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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.