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Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
Iām not the friend you put on speaker phone.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.