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Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.