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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.