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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Plan B includes margaritas.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"