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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.