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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"