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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.