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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.