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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!