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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.