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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Do you really have to breath that much?
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.