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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.