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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
My pants are 75% off.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.