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I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.