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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.