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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Valentines day
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."