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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I drink coffee for your protection.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!