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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.