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I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.