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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!