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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.