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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....