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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.