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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson