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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!