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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.