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umm umm u know that school where i got the degree from
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.