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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
I have off-road rage, too
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.