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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…