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Have you hugged you bartender today.
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.