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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!