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You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t