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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.