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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.