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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.