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I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.