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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team