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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?