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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.