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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.