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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!