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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.