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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?