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Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!