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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!