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Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.