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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Plan B includes margaritas.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"