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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)